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I would ring him but he is dead

Cold canoes in a frozen harbour

If I say that I am a cunt then it will save you reading my poems

I would ring him but he is dead

I love Jesus more than life itself but he does not answer my calls

Any cunt can write poetry but it takes a genius to write bad poetry

I seduced the most attractive girl in my class and later found my name tattooed on her arse

I always think about democracy when I am taking a shit

I only write poems when I have fuck all else to do

My female admirers often send me knots of their pubic hair – I am weaving these into a piebald rug

If the world has no natural leaders then why do we settle for the unnatural ones

I once tried writing a book but put it down after six pages

I have never exhibited my paintings as I do not paint

I am a racist a homophobe and many other things but my dog still loves me

There are beautiful and ugly women in this world – somebody somewhere has a sense of humour – that is why I believe in God

I prefer winter beaches to summer beaches

All women are bisexual but nobody has got around to telling them

Cats are not blue and do not have a clue about their own mortality

Crabs are wonderful creatures as they do not judge me

Cunt is a word that I enjoy using as it rhymes with my second name

Women masturbate frequently but what do angels do in their spare time

I like feeding swans in the autumn

Food is necessary but tedious

Unlike you I feel what is not there which is terrifying

Chile is a country that I would like to visit as I was not born there

Karma is a misunderstood word and is used by people who do not understand its meaning

Oranges are the most aggressive of fruits but are often the most beautiful

Freedom is an illusion none of us are free

Fred Hunt